Heroes & Goats

ALAN SIMPSON

We hate to admit it, but when this former Republican senator from Wyoming compared Dean's yowl to "a prairie dog on speed," we busted the eff up.

JOHN EDWARDS

Any way we can trade Santorum to North Carolina for this dude? And trade football teams while we're at it, too?

HOWARD DEAN

Keep on yowling at the moon, Doc. If nothing else, it rattles the shit out of those Halliburton thieves.

ERIC SNOW

In one of the few home-team power moves we've seen all season, the Sixers guard sponsors workshops aimed at empowering and assisting Philadelphia fathers.

THE POPE

Urges Vice President Cheney to be a peacemaker. "I already got one, " says veep, ripping open his shirt.

GOATS

DENNIS MILLER

Says things will be different on his new CNBC talk program. "I like [Bush]," he says. "I'm going to give him a pass." We're planning to do the same with his show.

R. KELLY

Says he's talking to producers of a new stage version of Rocky about penning the score. Proposed new lyric: "Child molester's home now."

BOSTON ARCHBISHOP SEAN O'MALLEY

Attacks gay marriage, saying the institution and the family need protection. Funny, we feel the same way about altar boys.