by Jessica Pressler
Invite Me to Be Your Schadenfreudester!
Winter. God, and you're revolting. Runny nose, flat hair, wet socks. And fat. So fat. You look like a Christmas ham, and you're just as inert--likely due to the fact that there's only one sport worth playing this time of year: reveling in the misfortune of others. But what a week it was for that! From the bloody, soppy bursting of Howard Dean's massive ego to the Bennifer breakup to Britney's continued humiliation to Art Garfunkel's pot bust to the woman in Romania who had a 175-pound tumor removed--whew. Everyone was way fucked last week, and it was kind of awesome. Especially when our darkhearted feelings were validated by Bob Morris' column in The New York Times Style section, which revealed that "the current zeitgeist is a bad mood." A toast, then, to bad moods and schadenfreude!
Here's What's Fun
Local filmmaker Nathaniel Kahn (My Architect) was filming scenes with M. Night Shyamalan at a closed Johnny Brenda's last Wednesday for his documentary M. Night: Portrait of a Filmmaker. Everyone was told to act natural, which meant they were supposed to run up and ask him for autographs and so forth, which no one does in real life. Everyone involved has signed multitudinous documents guarding M. Night's weird secretiveness, so no one could tell us much else. >> Philadelphia celebutante message T-shirts a trend?: Hotel heiress and marketing wunderperson Rachel Furman looked very cute wearing an "I'm With Tommy Up" T-shirt at Tragos last Friday. I love the idea of Philadelphia scenester T-shirts. I mean, I'd spring for an "I Heart Gervase" baby tee, or an "I Went to the Perry Milou Gallery and All I Got Was This Stupid Painting" illustrated long-sleever, or maybe even an "If You Mention Hollertronix Again I Swear I Will Barf" tank top. Go with your silkscreens! >> I read shit magazines so you don't have to: Dear Stephen Fried, local author, possessor of a mesmerizing feathery mane, I saw your premiere column, Heart of a Husband, in Ladies Home Journal this week. Obviously the title is a wee bit gay, but never mind that. You know how it was all about your socks and how you leave them outside the basket and your wife gets bothered? I must tell you: boooring. I mean, the Mars-vs.-Venus thing--how do I say?--so '90s. You'll be pleased to know I've thought of a couple topics for you so you can punch things up a bit. Like instead of doing your next column on "Why Men Play Basketball," you can answer real questions. Like, "Anal Sex: What's the Big Deal?" or "Threesomes: We Know It Won't Happen. Why Won't We Stop Asking?" I think LHJ readers would find this information much more helpful, don't you? >> And we'll all be wearing "I Fucked Stu Bykofsky" buttons: Harry Jay Katz is holding a roast for his buddy Byko! on Feb. 5, the day his last gossip column will run in the Daily News. The party costs $25 to enter and $25 more to toss zingers at Stu. (I'd normally never advocate paying to insult Stu--it's free most nights at the Pen and Pencil Club--but this money's going to, like, charity, so it's okay.) It's at 6:30 at Finnigan's Wake (Third and Spring Garden sts.). Extensive details in the DN are inevitable.
Here's What's Crap
Andrew Hohns, your Representster: Ubiquitous Young Involved Philadelphian and state representative candidate Andrew Hohns has created a Friendster profile in a rather gormless attempt to reach out to his fellow youth. It's all very awkward, like when your parents pretend to like OutKast or something, and Hohns betrays frighteningly few human qualities (interests include, "Representing the people of Grays Ferry and Center City Philadelphia in Harrisburg," and a favorite book is "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire"). Please: Someone stop this young man before all our youthful morals are corrupted by his squeaky-clean image and his civic involvement and his fucking goody-two-shoesness.
THINGS TO DO THIS WEEK (OTHER THAN SHIVER AND HATE, SHIVER AND HATE):
>> bell hooks doesn't spell her name with capital letters because she's making a statement against the "ego of the author." Catch her busting some more crazy academic shit at the Free Library this week, where she'll make the subject of "Men, Masculinity and Love" more confusing than it already is. Tues., Feb. 3, 7pm. Free. Free Library, 1901 Vine St. 215.567.4341. www.library.phila.gov
>> There was once a time I might have let Henry Rollins Shock and Awe My Ass, as his current spoken-word series is titled. But looking at his picture now, I'm just mesmerized by how, like, square he is. Like his whole body. It's weird. He's still funny, though. Tues., Feb. 3, 8pm. $25. Zellerbach Theatre, Annenberg Center, 3680 Walnut St. 215.898.6791.
>> A South American getaway, via the 34 trolley. Check out crazy-huge new West Philly restaurant Abbraccio while listening to Brazilian fusion band Alô Brasil and feel all warm and toasty inside. Sat., Jan. 31, 10pm. $8 (includes one drink). Abbraccio, 47th St. and Warrington Ave. 215.727.8247. www.alobrasil.net
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