Pressler's Miscellany

by Jessica Pressler

On the Sly

Flashbulbs pop and women squeal as Sylvester Stallone, clad in the exact same outfit as on his book cover-black sweater, black pants, black leather shoes, even his hair is in the same position-arrives late to last Thurs-day's Barnes & Noble signing of his book Sly Moves: My Proven Program to Lose Weight, Build Strength, Gain Will Power, and Live Your Dream. Guys with headsets sternly inform the long line of South Philadelphians that no memorabilia will be signed-just the book, please. "Let's do this," Stallone says, sitting down and picking up a pen. He's a machine. Fifteen books every minute! Nine hundred books an hour! He burns through the first blue Sharpie in less than 10 minutes. An assistant hands him another-he doesn't miss a book. He pulls the double-threat of signing a book at the same time as shaking a hand, but people who try to stop and chat are hustled along by the staff. His signature-two "S" curves joined together-looks like "a dollar sign," grumbles a fan from Southwest Philly. "He's just here to make money." Even the security guard working the front door is disgusted by Rocky's crass commercialism. "For $25, that's the best he could do?" she asks one parting fan. "It looks like your son wrote in the book!" Thirty minutes and 450 books later, Stallone is gone. Outside an old man throws up on the sidewalk. Philadelphia Style photographer Scott Weiner returns the copies of the books he bought for Stallone to sign. "It sucked," he says.

Here's What's Fun

Boys who like Boyds: It's hard to say what was the most fun thing about last week's Esquire party at Boyds. Was it watching South Jersey skanks getting coke rocks dislodged from their nostrils by the oxygen machine? The sight of poufy-haired pouf Lee Daniels with an oddly straightened mane? Or was it the domestic brawl-we're fuzzy on the details, as we were on line at the bar when it happened, trying to keep our buzz going as we waited 20 minutes for a Ciroc vodka-that occurred on the ground level? (A security guard let on that some of Boyds' merch was upset in the scuffle.) Then there were the, ahem, "models" who were hired to pose on little platforms above the stairs. These pretties turned a little ugly while arguing over whose turn it was to stand in the spotlight. But surely the most-most fabulous thing was the outfit of this gentleman (see photo, below), dissected by our stable of bitchy queens.

Here's What's CRAP

Out with the lip gloss, in with the Twizzlers shots: Not only did pizza chain Lombardi's close its Rittenhouse Square doors May 15, but nearby cosmetics shop Francis Jerome will also shutter this week, severely stunting, if not completely cutting off, our city's access to the edible Jessica Simpson product line. >> Meanwhile, Rittenhouse colonizer-come-lately Avram "Me So" Hornik will be bringing the culture of shotgunned Pabst uptown. A new branch of his Old City booze haven Drinker's Tavern will open in June in the CRAP (Chestnut Right Around the Park) area at 1903 Chestnut, in the spot that had been slated for long-promised kosher vegetarian restaurant Amedeo. "We were going to have a Conservative group [bless] the restaurant," says Hornik, "but the Orthodox Jewish community had a pretty big problem with that." The new Drinker's will have a full menu, and Hornik's still planning a vegetarian restaurant, perhaps even a BYO, in the same neighborhood sometime in the future. We think we could be okay with that, as long as disposable-clothing mecca Dots isn't displaced.

Things to Do This Week
(other than be sure to watch the America's Next Top Model recap and finale: Whose future will be filled with reality shows, downmarket product shilling and starvation? We can't wait!)

>> The corsaged kids lining up on the Art Museum steps look so happy in their formalwear, so hopeful. That's because they don't yet know every prom ends with disappointing sex and puke running down the car window. The Dumpsta Players, however, do know this. They'll be crowning America's trashiest prom queen to celebrate their eighth anniversary this week, so thrown on your old Jessica McClintock and dyeable pumps and head on over to Bob and Barbara's. Wed., May 18, 11pm. 99 cents. Bob and Barbara's, 1509 South St. 215.545.4511. www.dumpstaplayers.org

>> Mat Callahan-unwittingly, we think-remixed a local band name for his book The Trouble With Music, which asserts that music is in "crisis!" due to technological advancements and big fat greedy record labels and "lack of critical thought." With his reading Wednesday he promises "to challenge and enhance how you think about music." Like the aforementioned band, it all sounds very well-meaning, but ultimately you can't dance to all that angst. Wed., May 18, 7pm. Free. Robin's Bookstore, 108 S. 13th St. 215.735.9600. www.robinsbookstore.com

Additional reporting by truly brave intern-at-large Drew Armstrong.

Send PM tips to: jpressler@philadelphiaweekly.com